Happy weekend!

It was a nice weekend. Friday, Rob had a softball game, so I went shopping with mom and then Rob and I watched "Rent" when he got home. I love that play- I knew every word to the soundtrack before I even saw the play. Saturday, we went to some garage sales and got a really cool fireplace for the dining room (only $50). When we got home, we went for our 1st swim of the year in the pool and then went to my parents for dinner with my family. My sister and kids and also cousin and his family were there, so it was nice to see them. Anna Elizabath is getting so big, well, she is still a little peanut, but she is filling out more. I felt bad, Rob still isn't ready to hold her, I thinik it is hard for him to see me holding a newborn, too. Sunday, Mark (my brother in law) called to say Melanie is going to have the baby today!! She was due 6/7, but had the baby yesterday- A gir!! Onika Maybel Getz. I'm excited for them, I can't wait to see her. After church, my family came over to swim and then my neices stayed over and we watched "Bend it like Beckem" which was cute. Today, the family came back over and swam. I am pretty tired and full. I managed not to get tooo high b/c I swam a lot. All in all a good weekend and nobody really mentioned "our situation" except my sister talked to Rob for a bit b/c she could see it was hard to be around Anna. Everyone loves our house and the pool looks awesome. The kids all adore me and Rob, too. They follow me aorund like the Pied Piper, but love it. It is nice to be the cool Aunt and Uncle- I hope we are always like that. I miss Laurie and the boys though, it is not the same without them around.

Tomorrrow I have my 1st day of training at Solutions Pregnancy Center. I'm really excited. I got a card from Sandy who was in my BSF class last year. She saw my name on the volunteer list and wrote me a really encouraging note. I wish I was better about stuff like that, it made me so happy to get the card. People are so thoughtful!!

I have been reading up on blood sugar levels and getting and being pregnant. I really have to start watching that. I definitely don't have a 120 post meal level, that is for sure. I have to get back on my meal plan, too, and start excersizing again. The pool will come in handy there. I guess I have time to gget the ball rolling since we aren't doing the IVF until August. I took an OPK test for a few days last week (CD11-14) and it never turned postive so I'm hoping I missed it and not that it is going to be a late cycle. Well, better get to bed. I'm sure my blood sugar is going to be crappy b/c I had 2 vodka tonics (die of course) and then chicken salad and a cream puff. I feel gross!!Hmmmm it's 80. I'm sure I'll wake up 240 or something! Oh well.

Sharing Day

Today was out last day of bible study. We had our sharing day where we all get together and people can stand up and share how the bible study has worked in their lives this year. I am so touched by all of the stories. It was a great day. My heart was pounding and I didn't want to get up and speak, but I did. As soon as I stood up, my legs felt like rubber and so did my arms I could barely hold the microphone and I was shaking. Of course, I start crying before I can get 2 words out of my mouth. I mainly shared how awesome i thought it was that each year of bible study, I feel like the lesson is directed right to my life. This year, at least for the 1st half was all about Abraham waiting for God's promise of a seed, a son. He had to wait so long. Each week I would leave so renewed and encouraged by God's word and His promises. Then not only Abraham, but then Isaac had to wait and later Jacob and Rebekah.

It is so awesome how the bible is timeless and you can apply the principles even today. We studied about how to be content in our circumstances, something I WAS NOT since becoming a Diabetic and also dealing with infertility. I have realized that I have a great life and family, I have so much to be grateful for. Life was happening all around me and I was just to obsessed with getting pregnant to realize it. I was bitter, angry, resentful and I feel like I was missing out on quality time with Rob, my friends and family. I was just focused on me, me me!! We also learned how God will provide, we just need to put our trust in Him (easier said than done, but I am working on this). I was reminded that being obedient often times leads to trials and difficulties, but in the end we are always blessed. Without TESTS, there is no TESTIMONY. It helps to know that God has a bigger and better plan than me, which I am so thankful for b/c me imagination is limited. Someone said that we live with our noses pushed up against the tapestry and we can't see it, but when we step back, we see how beautiful it is. i guess that is how it is with God's plan for our lives. We don't always understand it, but when we put it all together, it makes sense it is perfect.

I have no idea what else I said, but as I was looking around the room as i was speaking, I could see everyone wiping their eyes and crying with me. What a great group of women. After people I didn't even know came up to me and were being so supportive. I was truly blessed today. One of them recommended a book about dealing with infertilty called "Water from the Rock". I will have to check it out. After class, my group came back to our house for lunch. They all loved our house and the pool and we had a great time. I have been sad ever since, but I know each year, I am blessed by my teacher and group. Next year is Romans, my last year f BSF!! I can't believe I have stuck with this for so long- 6 years so far. I never stick with anything and here I am almost done. YEAH!!! For the past few years I have hoped that on sharing day, I can share good news of being pregnant to my class, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I feel like I really should be doing this training for Solutions Pregnancy Center. I think that will be a great blessing. I am excited and nervous. I still have't asked work if I can have Tuesdays off for the next month and a week, but I think they will be ok.

Well, I should go to bed. I was so happy that Taylor won American Idol- I like him, he is original and very talented. I did a OPK test yesterday and today, I figured I might as well try naturally while we are waiting for our next IVF cycle. Last night there was a faint line and tonight- nothing. I wonder if i missed the boat. Technically I don't know if last weekend was a period or a miscarriage. Whatever!! The new me is trusting God. I'm so excited the pool is open now and it is getting warm out!! OK, I am way late for bed.

Cleaning sucks

I was going to clean the house today for the 1st time since before we did the IVF in April, but I don't want to. I should say that I'm not a total slob and I have at least kept up with the kitchen and bathrooms and have been keeping the house tidy, but I haven't done a top to bottom clean in a month. I am having our year end Bible Study Fellowship luncheon at my house on WED and I was going to do it today, but I don't feel like it. Rob is playing golf and I can't find my ipod. I am doing laundry and I spent an hour cleaning pee spots off of the carpet. I don't know what is going on with our pets, they have never been like that. Maybe Figi will have an accident now and then if we are gone super long and don't leave paper out or something. I also noticed that the door to the kitty litter was closed, so they really didn't have a choice and they peed on the wood floor right in front of. That really set me off. Cat pee is so gross. I can't believe we have a dog and 2 cats- are we crazy? Last night Rob was sniffing around saying it smells like pee well DUH!!! Maybe you should move the kitty litter or remember to at least keep the door open.

Rob was going to be gone all weekend in Maine on a canoe trip, so I was going to leisurely take my time, cleaning out the closets, cleaning the windows, replacing my winter clothes with summer clothes, etc. I was really looking forward to time by myself. I never have that. I feel so stressed out all of the time and I never have a minute alone. I don't like to be alone for long, just a half an hour a day and I never get it. I guess I'm alone now, but I'm annoyed that Rob is playing golf and I'm stuck at home, even though I told him to go. Maybe I'm grumpy b/c I haven't had lunch, I don't feel like taking a shot or making anything. I guess I'm just a miserable grump.

Mommy has a buzz so THERE!!!

I haven't had a glass of wine in soooooo long, I had two sips and I'm ready to climb on a pole and do a dance for my husband. I think he would appreciate that after months of having to do the deed in a room with porn from 1986 with me being drugged in the next room with a bunch of strangers. Sounds like something from the 60s. I digress.....

We had our "follow up" appt with Dr. Z today. He said everything looked great internally and my blood work on WED showed that there was no more pregnancy hormone left, so we are moving on. As much as I want to jump back in and do another IVF cycle in June like all of the other ladies on my "IVF in April anyone else?" bulletin, I feel like we are in good hands with him and he wants us to wait until July or maybe August, probably August. He wants me to get another period in June and I will do blood work on CD3- like 13 different tests for chromosome, genetic, clotting things- anything that they know of that may cause a miscarriage. After he gets the results, he said it will take about 3 weeks, I guess they will call us to let us know what is next.

As much as I wish he was some sleaze ball that just wants our money and will let us do another cycle right away to get pregnant, I'm glad that he has our best interest in mind. I'm REALLY enjoying this glass of wine. I've had 4 sips and I feel so relaxed!!! I can't wait until it is nice and warm and we can go swimming naked at night. I guess I have one more summer of looking hot in a bikini. I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts. This is so surreal, Rob is in the other room talking to his mom about Salvation and his faith, I love to hear that!! He is such a great guy. He looks so cute with his new haircut and he made a triple at the LBC softball game tonight!! I'm all over him later. I think for the heck of it, we are going to use the OPK's collecting dust in my linen closet this month to try to get pregnant. Who knows.

God is so good. I have been trying to be all down and mad about losing the baby and all I feel is His love and mercy!! Also, my mom gave me a cute Kate Spade purse (fake of course) to cheer me up this week and I was all bummed b/c y meter was too big to fit in there. I have another smaller One Touch at work and I changed over to that one to use the purse and was like "Aw, I don't have the manual to show me how to change the time" and I get home tonight and check the mail and there is a letter from Lifescan and inside is a user manual for the One Touch meter, not the Ultrasmart or the Duo which I have the directions for but, the dinky little One Touch, the exact one I needed. I mean, how can anyone say that is a coincidence. I feel so bad for people who don't know God in this way. They are missing out. I need to speak out more.

Jumped the gun

Nothing like checking my email, minding my own business and getting an email from "My Pregnancy This Week- 6 weeks". Talk about a knife in the heart. Not only do I have to erase it, I have to go to the website and edit my profile to remove my EDD of Jan 9, 2007. Then all of this info on miscarriages pops up. I guess they try.

I am feeling better today, a little sad now and then, but better. I felt bad for Rob, when I got home from work, he was sitting on our side steps by the kitchen door, he looked so down. He said he is so sad and he was crying. He feels so bad about himself and then he doesn't know what to do with his career and then we can't get pregnant. I feel terrible. I know I cry and vent here, but I get it off my chest and bounce back so fast. I am a drama queen, but with him, it is so sad and it takes him days, weeks to get better and what do I say. I hate to hear him say things like "why are you with me?", he makes me so happy and I love him so much. What do I do? Pray Pray Pray!!!

Last night I noticed the lump in Figi's back is getting bigger, so it didn't help during Gray's Anatomy to see them have to put their dog down. I would die if I had to do that, she is such a saint, even though she is barking at me as I type and it is driving me crazy. Then she threw up all over the place before bed and kept crying, so I stayed up with her. I'm taking her to the vet on SAT.

Tomorrow is my last lesson for bible study and then the next week we have sharing day. I was so hoping to be able to share my good news (I have been waiting for over 2 years to share this good news) but this year would have been nice since we did Genesis all year and so many of the people couldn't have children, they were waiting on God's timing and trusting in His promises. That is what I can share, I guess. I know I have sounded down lately, but I don't mention enough how God has carried me through this and given me peace. I know He will give us a child, He has a plan for me and I have just been to obsessed with getting pregnant to see it. I guess it is good to be stripped down emotionally and have to rely fully on God. He always has a much better plan than me, why do I resist for so long?

I'm excited to be starting the training for the pregnancy center, too. I have felt called to do that for so long. Maybe I would have skipped it if I was pregnant.

My blood sugars have been so high all day:
Woke up 177
Lunch 188
After lunch 151
Before Dinner 141

And I have been hooking myself up with insulin, too. Sometimes, ok most of the time, I just don't get it!!!

Here is a picture of me about 10 minutes after we got the BFP call. At least I have a picture of the good memory....

Back to square one

I survived Mother's Day weekend. I feel bad that we didn't celebrate with my family, but my mom insisted that they were all bummed and didn't feel like doing anything. I had to teach the 2 year olds at church for the 1st time and had no help! Like 20 2 year olds coming and going at different times, it was a mess. Not like BSF or my old church where everything was so organized. I feel like I want to help out, but that was a nightmare. I guess it was better than sitting in church wacthing all the moms stand up and get flowers and cheers while I am bleeding heavily and cramping. I still can't beleive this happened. I keep having flashes of our joyous moment and it breaks my heart. I was patient for like a day and now all I can think about is starting over again. Our next cycle, hopefuly in July, but with the way things go for me, it will be August or Sept.

I am looking forward to having some quality time with DH at least. I love him so much and he has been so good to me through all of this. The other night we BD'd for the first time in so long b/c we weren't able to after the IVF and it was amazing being with him and just enjoying each other. I feel like we have been so focused on Diabetes and TTC for the past 2 years, maybe it is time for us to just enjoy each other and see what happens. I know I have not been pleasant to be around, poor guy. When he told me I was pregnant, I had never seen him so happy and he was the whole time I was. I am going to cling to that with all I have and trust that will happen again very soon.

Life sucks sometimes

I am so sad and alone. I'm tired of disappointment after disappointment. I'm tired of being let down and broken hearted over and over again. I try to pick myself up and I got stomped on. I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean being tossed around by huge waves and I can barley keep my head above water. I was so happy just one week ago when we found out I was pregnant and then to have it all ripped away and have to deal with this pain and loss. To know that I am going to have to do this all over again in a few months, it's so hard. More shots, more blood drawn, more tests, , more waiting, more embarrassing ultrasound and tight schedules and numbers and money and acupuncture and answering questions and fear. My life has not been my own in so long. All of this time, money, energy going into this just to get let down over and over again. I am broken. I'm too broken to even be angry and resentful anymore. I am not going to expect anything good to ever happen to me again, I'll expect always to working in this crappy job, always worried about finances, always being the bad guy to Rob when he comes up with ideas that cost money and time. I am so beaten down. I can't take it. I wish I would just get the miscarriage over with so I can take some codeine and drink some wine. I know I won't do that- last night I wanted t be rebellious and pig out but in the back of my mind I can't b/c of my diabetes and I don't want to hurt myself. I hate having that too- what a pain in the ass that is. I have no joy in me right now. I just want to sleep. If God wants me for something, He can have me- I have nothing left for myself anyway.

sooooooo sad :(

I didn't want to find out the results until I got home last night and unfortunately, it wasn't good news. My numbers went down, so I will have a miscarriage most likely in the next few days. By the time I got home and Rob told me, we just crashed. We are emotionally drained.

The doctor called to check on us and told me I should expect to bleed heavily and have bad cramps (great) and he wants me to come back next week to make sure the pregnancy is ended. After that, he wants us to do more tests and start birth control and he said we can do the IVF again in July or August. He assured me that there was nothing I did or didn't do that caused this. He said 15-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Then he told us all about he and his wife and I felt like at least he understands.

I have been eating like a pig the past 24 hours- Chinese food, mac and cheese, 2 pieces of ice cream cake and my BS haven't topped 145. So much for being rebelious!! Of course, I have been giving myseld 10 times the insulin I usually get.

I can't believe this weekend is Mother's Day and tomorrow is Rob's birthday- what fun we are going to be. I couldn't think of a worse time to go through a miscarraige than having to sit there bleeding watching Mother's Day commercials.

Well, I want to go see my husband. We get to have sex at least now, yeah right like we are in the mood. This sucks!!

Why can't it ever just be good news????

I went up to Boston this weekend for my cousins baby shower. On the drive up I have to go to the bathroom so when I go, I notice a very very light brownish color on the toilet paper, almost looked like iced tea. I had no cramps or anything, but I'm freaking out and this appears off and on for the weekend. I tried so hard to be upbeat, but I was so worried. I know this is common in ealry pregnancy, so I tried to reassure myself. Nobody knows I'm doing this, so I didn't have anyone to talk to.

Today I went in for a 3rd Beta. My numbers had doubled on FRI. but they said to come in today as a precaution. The doctor called and said that my numbers went up, but did not double as they should have. I was so crushed. They didn't say it means the baby won't make it. but I do have to go back on WED for more bloodwork and hopefully it will have doubled then. I am so worried and upset. I had to have DH meet me at work and he went in and got my laptop and told my boss I was upset and going home.

I have been on my knees praying for me and the baby. DH is so upset, too. He is breaking my heart. We were so excited and have been through so much- 2 years of trying, 3 artificial inseminations, 2 in-vitro attempts. I am praying for a miracle and know that this is in God's hands. I can't believe this is happening, does this ever end?

Double or Nothing....

My doctor called and said my Beta numbers (ie: HCG which indicates pregnancy) doubled which is very good!! I still have to go back on Monday as a precaution for one last test, but I am relieved and I feel God's hand is in this.

For once I WANT my numbers to double!!

I am feeling so tired, but we're getting excited at the idea of having a baby. It is starting to sink in. we haven't told anyone, I think we will wait until mother's Day and tell only our family.

I have to head up to Boston for my cousin Krystin's baby shower, it won't seem as hard with my little secret...hee hee

Happy Anniversary!

Well, we got the call. BFP!! I'm in shock. I just want to get on my knees and praise God!! I have to go back on Fri and Mon for more bloodwork. I'm trusting God with that, I am leaving this in His hands.

After I went in for the blood work this morning, I went to bible study and then called work to say I wasn't coming in. Today is our 3rd anniversary and Rob thought we should be together when we get the call. So, Rob and I decided to take a drive down to the beach and have lunch and we were kind of lost and then my cell phone rings showing we have a message at home in our area code. My heart is POUNDING and I have Rob pull over and get out of the car and call home. Of course, I'm looking at him the the rearview mirror and his back is to me and then he comes back to the car shaking his head- it wasn't them. Phew. We start driving again and a minute later his cell rings and in the caller id I see it is our Dr.'s office so he pulls over and gets out of the car and he's got his back to me and he's talking forever! I could see his shoulders drop and I thought ok negative, not a surprise. He's probably getting instructions on our next atempt. He gets back in the car, he's crying and he kisses me and before I can think "sympathy kiss" he says "We're pregnant". I was in shock, we're both crying and shaking, we prayed and then drove around like dummies not knowing what to do. Very surreal. I kept asking if he was kidding and he was like "Uh no!!"

I know this is the begining of a long road, but I am just going to trust in God and I feel such peace.

Well, I'm going to crash now- I'm exhausetd!!