Blah-gg

That's how I feel now. Blah!!! I am making cinnamon rolls and I ate some of the dough and sugar mix. Gross! That was right after dinner and I just started, so that is a bad combo. I guess we will be doing another IVF cycle after all. I was kind of hoping that this last attempt at IUI would work, but oh well. Not meant to be. Today at lunch, dad asked if we had talked about "alternatives" such as adoption. It made me think how we have all of our hope riding on this. I'm sure it will work, but maybe adopting ain't such a bad idea. If we did, I would want a baby. Does that make me a bad person?

My visit with Dr. Nassberg went welll. He said I'm a rock star Diabetic!! Well, he didn't use those word, but you know. My A1C was 6.2 and my cholesterol was 132. That's all well and good for sheep, but how does that get me a baby? Hee hee, Rob and I watched Raizing Arizona the other night, it was so our lives right now.

Oh, my cinnamon rolls are done rising. Let's see if they even moved.......Hmmmm. I wonder if by "rise" they mean, look the same?

I hate it when the scary printer lady voice comes on. I am trying to do 100 things at once. OK, time to relax!

I have been there- Mark Schultz

Well, here I am 9 days after my IUI. So far, I don't have any pregnancy symptoms. I'm really hoping this works out for me and I don't have to go through IVF. This past week, I've come to a peaceful point in this process and I'm finally feeling like I am leaving it in God's hands. I truly believe that we will have a child and I am trusting Him with the rest- when, how, etc? A turning point for me this past week was last Friday on the way home from work. I heard a song on Star 99.1 my favorite radio station called "I Have Been There" by Mark Schultz. I kept thinking God knows all my pain and sorrow right now. He HAS been there. I keep thinking of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, how he was pouring his heart out to His Father. How He was tempted, betrayed, hated by people, saw loved ones die and the world around him knowing many would reject Him. He has been where I am and He is with me now. Tears were pouring down my cheeks and I felt like God had lifted up my heart back to where it belongs and taken a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt so loved and humbled. Hard to explain, but I am at peace. I had been feeling so angry and hateful lately and that just isn't me. Anyway....

My mom, sister, nephew and grandmother met me for lunch today. It was so nice to get out of work for 2 hours. It reminds me of skipping school. I ate like a pig and forgot that I have to go to my endocronolist tonight. My A1C went down from 6.5 to 6.2 which is much better than I had expected since this was my first holiday season as a Diabetic. Well, better head out to the Endo. Below are the words to the song I heard:

I HAVE BEEN THERE- Mark Schultz
In a room without a view
A new mother smiles and holds the tiny fingers
Of her brand new baby girl
Her husband takes her by the hand
So unsure about the future and no money
Can they make it in this world
And they pray, Lord all we have to give is love
Then they heard a gentle voice
Like an echo from above

Oh I have been there
I know what fear is all about
Yes, I have been there
And I am standing with you now
I have been there
And I came to build a bridge oh so this road could
Lead you home
Oh I have been there

He’d been a pastor twenty years
But tonight he sits alone and brokenhearted
In the corner of the church
He’s tried to change a fallen world
With his words and with his wisdom
But it seems like it is only getting worse
And he cries
Oh Lord I just don’t understand
And then he felt the hand of grace,
And he heard a voice that said

I have been there
I know what pain is all about
Yes, I have been there
And I am standing with you now
I have been there
And I came to build to a bridge oh so
This road could lead you home
Oh I have been there

An older man up on a hill
Holding flowers but he can’t hold back the tears
He has come to say goodbye
He thinks about the life she lived
Thinks about how hard it’s been
To live without her
Sixty years right by his side
And he cries, Oh Lord I loved her
‘til the end
Then he heard a gentle voice say you’ll see her once again

I have been there
I know what sorrow is all about
Yes, I have been there
And I am standing with you now
I have been there
And I came to build a bridge
Oh so this road could lead her home
The road could lead her home
Oh I have been there

You know I overcame the cross
I have been there
So her life would not be lost
I have been there
And I came to build a bridge
Oh so this road could lead you home
The road could lead you home
Oh I have been there

Trust and Obey

Again at Bible Study this week the lesson was on Abraham waiting for God to fulfill His promise of a son. It amazes me how every where I go- church, bible study, etc I feel like the message is just for me. It blows my mind that even my trials with infertilty are addressed in the bible. I just don't know what to do anymore. What is the right thing? Are we not meant to have children? What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning during this waiting period that is so painful and full of dissappointment?

This morning I had the IUI. I felt so guilty waking Rob up for a sample and then he felt pressured. This whole process is so demeaning sometimes. As I'm driving down to Dr. Z's in the dark at 6:30 am in the pouring rain with the sample cup in my bra so it stays warm, I think of the song "Brick" by Ben Folds Five. I don't know what to expect anymore, I feel so numb in the office- full of questions, but afraid to ask for the answers, which they probably don't have for me anyway. I can't even imagine getting pregnant at this point. Please God, if this is your will, let this insemination result in pregnancy. Help me to put my trust in You.

Sore bum, Asbestos and KFC

That pretty much sums up my day!

My butt is killing me from my trigger shot last night. It was so depressing going in to the Dr. Z's office yesterday morning for bloodwork and ultrasound with all of the ladies going in for their egg retrievals. There names were all highlighted on the lab tech's sheet and mine wasn't. How sad for me, the one who's cycle was cancelled. Off the cuff...I can't beleive "Reunion" was cancelled!! So last night we did the HCG shot and I was so scared even though I do 5 insulin shots a day, but it wasn't bad at all, actually I didn't even feel it go in. I'm feeling it today though, I can't even cross my legs without it killing me.

We are in the process of redoing our downstairs and Rob calls me at work today all freaked out saying the lady at Home Depot said the tiles under our floor are asbestos and we have been exposed since we took up the floor over it. He's all upset b/c we've been hanging out down there all week, pets running around, my nieces spent the night, etc. He didn't know what to do or who to call- I'm picturing men in moon suits and a tent around our house like in E.T. Just what I needed to hear! Turns out the lady at Home Depot has only been there a week and the asbestos is non fryable?? and not dangerous.

So, I decided to leave work early today to get my quarterly A1C blood test. I usually go first thing in the morning, but frankly, I'm tired of getting up at 5:30 and having blood sucked out of me and cold hands and a wand inside of me, so I took the liberty of leaving work a little early. Of course, I can never just relax when I have extra time off of work, so I went to Costco and spent a small fortune. I hate going, so when I do go, I buy enough food and TP to last a few months. I get home and as I'm unloading my car, item by item since they have no bags there, Rob says he needs me to go to Home Depot with him. After all of that, I didn't feel like making dinner, so Rob suggests KFC, a diabetics nightmare. We brought home chicken (duh), mashed potatoes, mac and cheese and biscuits, so I gave myself 9 units of insulin and tried to eat it. Our house smells like a bowling alley since we took up the old floors and the chicken was all greasy and slimy, I totally lost my appetite, but I had taken all of this insulin, so I had to have 2 cookies I stole from work. So now I'm sitting here on my couch covered in sawdust and asbestos in the middle of an empty room with no floor watching American Idol. I'm rambling so my blood sugar is probably low. Anyway...that is my day.

I'm curious to see what my next A1C is. This week is my 1 year anniversary as a Diabetic. My first A1c was 12 last January when I was diagnosed. Then it went down to 6.5, then to 5.9, and back up to 6.5. I'm thinking it will be higher this time b/c of all the fertility drugs. We shall see next week. Below is a picture of my family the night I learned I probably had Diabetes. I call it waving my old life good-bye!! Right after I took that picture, I asked my sister to test my blood sugar and it was 599.
D-Day!!

With Six You Do Not Get Egg Roll

It's almost official...we are going to switch over to an IUI cycle. Just got home from Dr. Z's office, this time I got the man himself. He went over my sucky E2 levels:

Stim Day 3: 28
Stim Day 6: 118
Stim Day 8: I find out later on today, not expecting much

Then he did the ultrasound and saw 3 follicles on the right and 3 on the left. He said that we will probably switch this over to an IUI cycle b/c we want to make sure we have optimal eggs for IVF. I got a nice pat on the knee and the head tilt with the facial expression like the "Debbie Downer" on SNL, so I got the message. I tried to hold on the tears as I left, making sure I cracked a joke to all of the swollen bellied probably have 20 huge follicles and great E2 levels ladies in the waiting room. Then I walked through the rain, stepped in a puddle, got in my car, put the seat down and cried. Not as bad as Thursday when I first found out the cycle may be cancelled, but it still sucked.

I feel better now, I want to cry b/c I feel I should, but I can't. I feel a little relieved, actually. Guess that means my E2 levels aren't high or I'd be a wreck with all of the hormomes. Maybe I'm a man, I do have a little moustache, but I was told that was b/c I'm half Italian. OK, I don't have an actual moustache, I will put a picture on here to prove I'm not a scary Bearded Lady or something. I wonder if I can get pictures on here. I'll try that, so I can feel like today wasn't a total waste. Man, my mind jumps from one thought to another.



Hey!!! It worked. I'm the one on the right, see I am a girl. The guy with me is Rob, my husband, isn't he so cute?? I love that guy. Don't we look happy there? That was right before we started all of this IVF stuff..see the hope in our eyes?

Then there's now...



Notice, we are smiling, but just for the camera, it's been a rough road.



But here I am with my neices. I'm the cool aunt, the one with no kids, no responsibilties. I'm hip, fun, always good for a laugh.

Ok, I sound bitter. I'm not actually, but I am allowed to be a little down in the dumps today, right? I was earlier, but it's passing. Time to let God take the wheel, His way is always better. I always try to do it on my own and then I fall. Then He picks me up and carries me to where I need to be. This week in BSF, I was reminded that God is my Shield. That will be my thought for the rest of the week. It's so easy to know in my head, but so hard to live.

Well, better rest up before I go and babysit the little angels in the picture above.

Flash forward to IVF: Day 8 of stimming

Well, this week has been hard. Many highs and lows, not unlike the past 4 months of fertility treatment.

We started off this process all "gung-ho". We would do 50mg Clomid with IUI in September and it would be a piece of cake, we'd laugh about it some day. Ah, those hopes were dashed quickly that morning of the IUI when Dr. Z came in and without even batting an eyelash says "This is not likely to work, I've left the IVF packet at the front desk for you" OUCH!! We went ahead and tried a second IUI while we were waiting for the big IVF meeting. We were going to prove him wrong! Or not. Score: 2 highs, 2 lows.

So, we finally accept IVF is what is will be (have to be). I get a tentative protocol
BCP 11/13-12/20
Start Lupron 12/22
Start stimming on 12/27
ER & ET week of JAN 9-13th

(excuse the IVF lingo, it has become part of my daily dialogue and 80 % of the fertile world has no clue what I'm saying. )

So, like a good student, I start my BCP's, all excited that the process is FINALLY starting. Then the Dr. Z's office calls and they are giving me my protocol, but this time everything is a week off, as in later...another week of waiting!! Guess Dr. Z had to squeeze in a vacation, God knows he can afford it as much as IVF costs. Well, I have insurance that covers it, but anyway, it still was a dissappointment since I was all mentally prepared for the 2nd week in January. Score: 3 highs, 3 lows, but the lows seem much bigger than the highs. Kind of like my Diabetes, but that is another story.

Flash forward to Thursday 1/12, day 7 of my stimming. I go in for my bloodwork and ultrasound and the nurse tells me they may have to cancel my cycle if I don't get a huge jump in my estrogen level and have a good number of follicles they can see in the ultrasound. She goes on and on about what we will do when they end the cycle...blah blah blah. I left very down, feeling that this past week of additional shots was in vain. I guess it's not just male factor, it my sucky egg quality that is bringing us down. Score: highs 2, lows 3

I get a call from Rob, saying the doctor's office called and my estrogen levels had jumped from 28-118 and I had 2 follicles on the right ovary and 2 on the left. They said to go ahead and come in on Saturday for another ultrasound and more tests. Score tied 3-3.

OK, I won't continue with the scoring b/c I will forget and the lows are much more frequent than the highs. I am going to all of the "High Tech Method for Getting Pregnant" boards on Babycenter.com reading about all these other women's cycles and the majority have very high levels of estrogen and like 15 follicles. The one person like me with low E2 levels and only a few follicles got a BFN, that's a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! It feels good to vent, even though I don't normally write like this. I guess I'll see what happens tomorrow.

Oh, in case I forget to ever say this, since we have been trying to conceive, here the pregnancies surrounding us of people that all started way after we started TTC, not to mention every celebrity and their dog-literally probably, gross.

cousin-had baby in July
best friend-had baby in AUG
sister-due in April
Rob's sister-due in June
cousin-due in June
Rob's best friend-due in June
another great friend-due in August
I'm sure I'm forgetting more

Not to mention all the people at work. I assume every call will be an announcement of a future baby. Yes, I'm jealous and it's hard to hear "We tried once and it didn't happen, we were so crushed, but thank God it worked the second try! " The plus side, our kids will have lots of cousisn and buddies to hang out with. I'm really a good person, this is just very hard, something I never thought I would be going through!

Oh and did I mention that today is my 1 year anniversary of being Diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes? The beginning of the end, D-Day! The day the music died. No more bags of sour gummy worms with a sour skittle chaser. Who the heck gets Juvenile Diabetes at 32 anyway?

Prologue

Once upon a time there was a girl named Jennifer who fell in love with a handsome prince named Robert. They married and bought a home in New Jersey far, far away from beautiful sunny California where they met. They had dreams of living close to their families and having lots of children, so they didn't mind giving that up. They tried and tried for a baby for over a year and then a mean witch named Diabetes came along and put a spell on Jennifer, putting their plans on hold. But Jen and Rob had much faith and their love was so strong that they befriended Diabetes and accepted her as part of their lives, but still no baby. So they went to see the wizzard to help them and he tried a few potions and other tricks to help them fulfill thier dreams and that's when they discovered that Rob also had a curse put on him, too, making it very hard to have a baby. But the wizzard said that he could still help them, but they would have to be very strong and brave. He said he would make a special baby using parts of both of them and then he would put the baby back in Jennifer to grow. In these next pages, the story of Jennifer and Robert unfolds. What will happend.

DING...Please turn the page.