Life sucks sometimes

I am so sad and alone. I'm tired of disappointment after disappointment. I'm tired of being let down and broken hearted over and over again. I try to pick myself up and I got stomped on. I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean being tossed around by huge waves and I can barley keep my head above water. I was so happy just one week ago when we found out I was pregnant and then to have it all ripped away and have to deal with this pain and loss. To know that I am going to have to do this all over again in a few months, it's so hard. More shots, more blood drawn, more tests, , more waiting, more embarrassing ultrasound and tight schedules and numbers and money and acupuncture and answering questions and fear. My life has not been my own in so long. All of this time, money, energy going into this just to get let down over and over again. I am broken. I'm too broken to even be angry and resentful anymore. I am not going to expect anything good to ever happen to me again, I'll expect always to working in this crappy job, always worried about finances, always being the bad guy to Rob when he comes up with ideas that cost money and time. I am so beaten down. I can't take it. I wish I would just get the miscarriage over with so I can take some codeine and drink some wine. I know I won't do that- last night I wanted t be rebellious and pig out but in the back of my mind I can't b/c of my diabetes and I don't want to hurt myself. I hate having that too- what a pain in the ass that is. I have no joy in me right now. I just want to sleep. If God wants me for something, He can have me- I have nothing left for myself anyway.