One Line :(

Just got back from visiting my cousins and aunt in MA. It was so great to see them. It was so nice for Rob to see I have normal family members. I'll tell more about this trip later when my blood sugar isn't low.

Just took my $1 HPT and there was only one line. I kind of figured, but I guess I had to make it official. Oh well.

Here's to twins this year with my IVF in April.

Blues

I feel really down today. This morning, we were watching the end of "50 First Dates" when we woke up. In the last scene, Drew Barrymore (who wakes up everyday not remembering anything) wakes up and Adam Sandler tells her daughter to go say hi to her mommy. I looked into the big mirror across from where we were sitting and caught a glimpse of me and Rob and for a second I could picture us as parents. It was weird, it made me sad b/c I feel like we would be great parents, we both have so much love to offer. It's so hard sometimes, it's more than I can bear. It's like this big ball of sadness is growing inside of me. I can't stop crying, I don't know how much more of this I can take.I feel like this is overtaking my life. I've become so angry and anxious, resentful, bitter, petty. I used to always be such a happy person, I don't know who i am anymore.

Last night, Rob and I took a bath and I could not relax, even Rob was just sitting there, we are both so down. Normally, it would be so nice to be in there with him and we would talk and hold each other and it would be an intimate time, but lats night we barley spoke and I think we both felt numb. I hate this. I need for this to be over, it's affecting me to the core of who I am. I keep looking for the lesson in all of this- I feel like God is saying, if I can be happy in these circumstances, with all that He has given me and not be bitter or angry, then I will have a child. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic, most of the time I am, but on days like this I can't even breath the pain is so bad.

It doesn't help that I research these IVF and infertilty things and I get even more discouraged. In August when I had my hormones tested, they said my FSH level was 10.8 which is borderline. I read about that and that means my egg reserves are low and I had better get pregnant ASAP. It doesn't help that Rob has poor numbers, this is such a nightmare. I know I should be thankful that there is even a chance we can have a child of our own b/c Rob expressed his concern when we were dating that he was worried b/c of all his surgeries when he was young. In the back of my ming, I felt it wouldn't happen, but now to hear that it may be b/c of me, it is so hard. People get pregnant with one ovary or after they have there tubes tied. I know God could give me a child at any time and there is a reason for this. I wish God were here right now where I could see Him and I could just lay at His feet and cry. I don't need answers, I just need to know that He is here with me. I feel so alone and empty.

I'm going to try to take a nap now.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I feel so anxious lately, sort of bitter and angry. I think I'm just tired. I feel bad, but today all I could think about was the fact that I had to get out of bed at 6:20 am and go to work while my husband slept. It was like I could not stop thinking about it.

I had to deal with car stuff. Our car failed inspection in DEC b/c they said we needed new front brakes and it's the middle of FEB and nothing has been done. So my husband asks me to ask if they will look at it at work (I work for a trucking company and there is a shop on sight that is for the trucks but since my dad is the president I might as well ask). So I have to drop the car off, get a lecture that there is no registration or insurance card in there (I gave them to my husband in DEC and he still hasn't put them in there yet) and also why am I just bringing it now when it failed in DEC. So they call me and tell me all the stuff they need to do and we need new back brakes, etc, etc. I call Rob and he's like, "We just got back brakes" and he's acting all suspcious that my dad's company is ripping us off (HELLO, they don't even charge Labor) and I'm aggraveted that I have to deal with this and he's at home doing WHAT???? Why am I having to deal with this crap?

After work, I want to go home, but there is no milk or cereal, so I have to go shopping. I get home and I'm putting the groceries away and ask Rob to take out the trash and as I'm putting food in the fridge I noticed there was some older food in there so I asked him to wait a sec so I can throw it in the bag he is bringing outside and he's like "Come on Jen. Blah Blah Blah" Like he can't do ONE thing for me without complaining!! There are all dirty dishes in the sink, I have to put them in the dishwasher and run it, I go upstairs to change and the bed isn't made, clothes all over the floor. Then he comes up and shows me his new isight that he got at the store today. That was his day- going to CompUSA. I feel so under appreciated. I work my ass off, I never complain, I do the laundry and clean and pay the bills, do the shopping, try to cook (he does help with that) and I feel like all he does is lecture me. It is so stressful sometimes and I feel like I resent him. I can't tell him that b/c he is sensitive and feels bad about himself. I have to keeo it alll inside. Most of the time, it doesn't bother me, but today I felt so angry at him.

Computers SUCK sometimes

I am out of control!! I tested my blood sugar last night and it was 356!!! That's what happens when you eat homemade focaccia bread and cinnamon rolls after dinner after a day of lounging on the couch. I guess I will have to go back to counting my carb exchanges. Here is the diet she gave me last year:

Breakfast: 2 Bread, 1 milk, 1 fruit, 1 fat
Lunch: 2 Bread, 1 fruit, 2 meat, 1 fat
Dinner: 3 bread, 3 meat, 1 fruit, 1 fat
Bedtime Snack: 1 meat, 1 bread, 1 milk

I'm so pissed!! I just typed out this long post and wanted to check out how to add on a web link and I lost all of it! I don't feel like typing anymore. I just wasted an HOUR!! Argghhh.

Family Fued

Well, the drama today started with an email from my Aunt. She and my mom are not talking and my Nana is living with me mom, so I have been the middle man for the past few months. I try to keep peace in the family and it causes me so much stress!! On top of being the "middle man" with my aunt and mom, I have also become the baby sitter for my sister's kids, alternate caretaker of my grandmother, errand runner, computer technician and counselor, to name a few of my tasks. This was my past weekeend, a typical weekend for me:

On Friday, my parents went to NYC for the weekend so I was staying with my Nana who has altzheimers (sp) and can't really be alone. We also babysat my 2 year old nephew on SAT and somehow ended up with Rob's cousin's 2 dogs-- I guess I have troouble saying "no" and when I do, I'm called a bitch or moody. Meanwhile, I get diagnosed with Diabetes and have major fertility issues and nobody even asks how I'm doing. I have knots in my stomach all the time, I feel like I am going to explode with frustration. And I wonder why I can't get pregnant? Hmmmmm. As soon as we get all the crap out of the sunroom and clean up all of the sawdust in there from renovating Rob's office and the laundry room, I'm going to get my butt back on the treadmill. That really helps me and its good for the blood sugar, too. Plus, I like having a firm booty and can prance around naked. Better do it while I can!! Well, better go spend sokme time with my hubby. Poor guy is a saint in helping me keep my sanity in this crazy family.

PS: The Chunky Monkey bread was just so-so.

Chunky Monkey

That is the name of the bread I'm making tonight...Chunky Monkey. I am offically obsessed with the art of bread making. So far I have made cinnamon rolls, Challuh and now squeaking away in the machine is my apple-peanut butter bread. It only called for 2 TBSP of Honey and that is it for the sweetener. As a diabetic, I should be glad, but it doesn't seem like enough. I guess we'll see.

So I have no news in our baby making process. I am waiting. Waiting for my period, well actually I guess I'm waiting to ovulate, but part of me is like why bother, but then the other is well, maybe?? So, I wait to ovulate, then I get to wait 2 weeks to see if my period comes. If it does't, I get bloodwork on CD 2-4, then start BCP, then wait for my "protocol" for IVF, then wait for my drugs, then wait to start them and wait to go to the doctor and wait AT the doctor's, wait to see if the drugs worked, etc, etc, etc.

I guess in the meantime, so I don't drive myslef crazy, I will be making bread. Then I get to at least worry about my Diabetes. Maybe I'll try not worrying for a change.

My machine is beeping..

Back for Seconds

Was it a week ago that I made the cinnamon rolls? Seems like it was less time than that. Anywho...they were SO good. As full as I was before they were done, I still had one and later that night another. I gave myself 4 units of insulin for each one and was happy to see my bloodsugar after that was 141. I tested Rob's after mine and his was 142!! I don't think that is that high, but it was nice to be lower than him. As I type this, I can hear the breadmaker kneading my latest creation- Challuh Bread! If I have eneough time, I'm going to make a breakfasty apple nut bread. Ummmmm. I'm starving. I'm not sure what this new bread making spree I'm on is all about. Maybe b/c we are studying 1st Peter in church- all about being a good wife so far these past few weeks. Today it was kind of cool b/c Pastor Greg was saying how the woman was made last. We are God's last creation-He poured everything into us to make us beautiful, gentle, intelligent, etc. Obviously, I'm paraphrasing, but it sounded really cool today. I'll have to remember that when/if we have a daughter. Read that passage to her to help her know her value.

I have no desire to watch the Super Bowl tonight. This is the first time in forever that we are not doing anything, but it's kind of nice to be a bum. I should clean the house or shower or dye my graying head, but Nah. We have 2 extra dogs here and dust from sanding the ceiling in Rob's office, so why bother? Oh, Rob submitted us for this E Entertainment show that makes a room over to look like a celebrity's room. The asked us for more pictures and then called us and we both haad phone interviews. the lady said she loveed us and we were perfect candidates, so submitted us to network. I want to get it so bad. Here are the three rooms we submitted. As you can see, the bedroom is pretty uninspiring (no wonder I can't get pregnant), the dining room isn't too bad just needs some molding. The room we were both pushing is the sunroom b/c it needs a lot of work and we don't have to $$$$ to do it. I hope we get it, it would be some good news for a change!