3 days away

We went to the Pocono's on Friday, which was a nice distraction from my 2ww. My parents just built a house out there and there is no furniture or anything yet, but we still had a great time. We brought Figi so I was happy. On Saturday, we went shopping for some clothes for me and then went to my sister's and had a nice dinner. Today, we just went to church and walked around Red Bank and had lunch, did a little mroe shoe shopping for me and juts got home. I feel like I should clean, but I still feel like I deserve a break after all I have been through. Rob has been great through all of this, I have to say, taking really good care of me and doing all of the work around the house. He is so good. I feel bad b/c I know he is going through a reallly hard time right now not knowing what to do with his carreer. I know he wants nothing more than to just take care of me and give me a family, but he feels like he doesn't know what to do. Acting has been his whole life. I feel bad, too b/c i don't know what to tell him to do. I want him to be happy. I want us to have a family so bad.

We find out in 3 days whether or not the IVF worked. Every once in a while, I have a feeling "maybe" and then it goes away. I just don't feel in my heart that it is going to happen. It's like, I can't ever see it happening and it makes me so sad. I see all of the love we have to give and I know we would be great parents. I think of Rob and how he never knew his father and doesn't have a close relationship with his step dad. I know his whole life, he has thought I can't wait to be a dad so he can give a child the kind of love that he always longed for. We go to church, we give back to the community, we have great morals, we are good loving people. I guess most people that want children are that way. I want to have Rob's children. i look into his eyes and long to make life with him and share our love with kids of our own. I guess I am going to stop thinking about this now and take a nap. I'm really tired today.

Long story short

Well, as you can see, I'm a little lazy.

Here was my protocol for IVF:

April 6- baseline ultrsound
April 10- start stims 150 Gonal-G in the AM, 150 Gonal-F in the PM and 2 vials on Menopur at night
April 13- bloodwork and ultrasound
April 15- bloodwork and ultrasound (start Antagon so I won't ovulate)
April 17- bloodwork and ultrasound. Trigger shot of HCG at 8:45 pm
April 18- bloodwork
April 19- 8:00 am egg retreival (7 eggs), start PIO shots in pm. 6 of the 7 fertilized
April 22- 7:30 am egg transfer 2 embryos (1 grade 2 6 cell and 1 grade 4 5 cell)
April 24- Start estrogen pills in am and pm
May 3- Beta pregnancy test

I guess I won't go into detail about the insurance fiasco, ie: BCBS of NJ sending me a letter on the Friday before my egg retreival saying I have been denied coverage b/c we have only been having unprotected sex for a year and a half and it needs to be 2 year (I have been having unprotected sex forever with my husband, thank you very much)!!!! After a sobbing fit, Rob called my doctor for me who called back within 5 minutes even though he was off that day (Good Friday). He assured us not to worry and relax and enjoy the weekend, which to my surprise i did!!

Monday and Tuesday were HELL trying to get the nurse at the doctor's office to get in touc with BCBS and my dad had to tell the HR director who personally called his buddy at BCBS. My doctor called them for 2 days...no answer. My mom gave us a check for $11000 the night before thinking we weren't covered and then as I am about to get out under for the egg retreival, my RE walks in and says "You're covered".

That is pretty much my life, everything happens at the last second. I guess God is tellling me to trust Him and not try to do it on my own.

I have to say, I am less than positive about only putting back 2 less than perfect embryos, but I have to have faith, right? I wish we coould have had a few to freeze, but then I felt guilty about that, too.

It was so emotional hearing 6 of the 7 fertilized. At hat moment, we had 6 kids. I cried. 6 lives that Rob and I made )with the help of Scott, our embryologyst and a procedure called ICSI). Even knowing on SAT that 2 f the babies were put back inside of me was so overwhelming. I prayed for God to keep them safe in me. I will feel like a failure if I let them down.

I want this to work so bad. If it doesn't then all these people that are going to be curious are going to aks me and I will have ot suck it up and tell them it didn't work. After this, what is there? I asked Rob about adoption the other day and he firmly said "I don't want to talk about it." Well, this is all in God's hands. I have done all I possibly can at this point

I find it ironic that we do the pregnancy test on May 3rd out 3rd anniversary!!

To end on a happier note, here is a picture of my family this Easter. Rob and I are on the far left (see how puffy my tummy is from all the medication-Awwwww)



Also, here is my new little neice...Anna Elizabeth. She is an angel. I thought I would be resentful, but i am in love. I adore all of my nieces and nephews. God is good.