Blues

I feel really down today. This morning, we were watching the end of "50 First Dates" when we woke up. In the last scene, Drew Barrymore (who wakes up everyday not remembering anything) wakes up and Adam Sandler tells her daughter to go say hi to her mommy. I looked into the big mirror across from where we were sitting and caught a glimpse of me and Rob and for a second I could picture us as parents. It was weird, it made me sad b/c I feel like we would be great parents, we both have so much love to offer. It's so hard sometimes, it's more than I can bear. It's like this big ball of sadness is growing inside of me. I can't stop crying, I don't know how much more of this I can take.I feel like this is overtaking my life. I've become so angry and anxious, resentful, bitter, petty. I used to always be such a happy person, I don't know who i am anymore.

Last night, Rob and I took a bath and I could not relax, even Rob was just sitting there, we are both so down. Normally, it would be so nice to be in there with him and we would talk and hold each other and it would be an intimate time, but lats night we barley spoke and I think we both felt numb. I hate this. I need for this to be over, it's affecting me to the core of who I am. I keep looking for the lesson in all of this- I feel like God is saying, if I can be happy in these circumstances, with all that He has given me and not be bitter or angry, then I will have a child. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic, most of the time I am, but on days like this I can't even breath the pain is so bad.

It doesn't help that I research these IVF and infertilty things and I get even more discouraged. In August when I had my hormones tested, they said my FSH level was 10.8 which is borderline. I read about that and that means my egg reserves are low and I had better get pregnant ASAP. It doesn't help that Rob has poor numbers, this is such a nightmare. I know I should be thankful that there is even a chance we can have a child of our own b/c Rob expressed his concern when we were dating that he was worried b/c of all his surgeries when he was young. In the back of my ming, I felt it wouldn't happen, but now to hear that it may be b/c of me, it is so hard. People get pregnant with one ovary or after they have there tubes tied. I know God could give me a child at any time and there is a reason for this. I wish God were here right now where I could see Him and I could just lay at His feet and cry. I don't need answers, I just need to know that He is here with me. I feel so alone and empty.

I'm going to try to take a nap now.